Breaking News: Steven Greer Levitates to Jupiter for Emergency Medical Procedure

Chuck Finn, CBN Information Center

This Wednesday, June 25, 2008, CSETI announced that it had video footage of Dr. Steven Greer levitating to Jupiter. “We cannot release the footage,” says Dr. Greer, “because it was filmed with my Uncle Bob’s video camera, making him sole proprietor of the greatest event in human history. Unfortunately, he died this past weekend from government cancer and, amidst his final two breaths, whispered in my ear a plea to be cremated with the tape.”

Ten to twenty people from all corners of the Earth are now hailing Dr. Steven Greer as the fulfillment of all messianic prophecies from all religions ever. “Do you remember the story about the ancient Hercules cult which predicted that Hercules would be reborn in BC 199 to destroy Zues once and for all? They were obviously talking about Dr. Greer,” said one admirer. “His fantastic musculature cannot be said to be anything less than Herculean,” he continued, pointing to his biceps.

Greer also claims that he had performed an emergency cesarean section on a hyperventilating alien mother-to-be while on Jupiter. Our sources at the Disclosure Project are all under non-disclosure agreements and thus cannot give us their names, but they report that Dr. Greer had to meditate very hard in order to exhale Methyl Oxide, the gas the female alien breathes, instead of Carbon Dioxide. “He can do it because of his pure heart,” one of the sources said. “Dr. Greer calmed her breathing and then delivered a cuddly alien child with a four-boned cranium.”

“There has been some confusion about the alien child I held in my arms. What I said at last year’s X-Conference actually happened last Wednesday,” Dr. Greer clarified.

Four people in a Detroit trailer park have erected a large, jello statue of Dr. Steven Greer in commemoration of his stupendous behavior. Pictures were taken before the statue melted and William Birnes has promised to publish them on the cover of the August edition of UFO Magazine, with a feature length article between ads for Metatron Technology and do-it-yourself CE-5 flashlights.